o'neill buick bathroom, Warminster, PA
"Here I sit buttocks a flexin'
givin birth to another Texan."
submitted via email; location not specified
"There was an old man from Peru,
Who fell asleep in his canoe.
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
and awoke in a boat full of goo."
On a bathroom wall in the Coz Chemical building, Northbridge MA
"See yourself Pee
from a rest stop in New Hampshire
"what are you looking up here for? are you ashamed of it?"
written on a men's room ceiling
"if you can pee this high please call the local fire department at 555-5555"
written above a line drawn near the ceiling above a urinal
"This is where Napoleon blew his bone apart"
scratched into the wood barrier between urinals in a Bodega bay campsite bathroom
"Here I sit broken hearted
paid a dime only farted.
Second time took a chance,
saved my dime shit my pants."
in a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant
"In the days of old
when knights were bold
and toliets weren't invented.
They'd drop there load
by the road
and ride away contented."
in a bathroom stall in a Winnipeg restaurant
From a men's room in Penn. Hwy 85 rest stop, upside down near the floor under the tank:
"if yer reading this, yer shitting on the floor!"
"please don`t throw butts in urinal, it makes them soggy & hard to light."
in mens locker room above urinal @ hayes lemmerz plant in akron, ohio.
also seen in the head at Assault Craft Unit 2, Little Creek Amphibious Base, Norfolk, Virginia
AND in 1942 at Newport R I "Boot camp" head.
"SHE SAID I CAN TAKE 12 INCHES
HE SAID TAKE THIS 12 TIMES"
LADIES LOO PECKHAM
Here is a little quote from a local grocery store toilet in
"Here I sit on the pooper
giving birth to a michigan state trooper."
(Ed note: this joke appears in countless variations, depending on its location... for example:)
"Here i sit on a portable pooper
giving birth to a florida state trooper"
port-a-potty in jacksonville florida
"Here I sit a sweat and vapor
came to shit but found no paper.
The boss man calls on the big loud speaker,
so watch out ass here comes my finger."
"He who writes on bathroom walls simply has hairy balls."
On a men's bathroom in Idaho Falls, Idaho
"ITS NO GOOD STANDING ON THE SEAT,
THE CRABS IN HERE CAN JUMP 6 FEET."
MENS ROOM EUSTON STATION LONDON
"JUMP 6 FEET, THAT'S FUCK ALL
DOWN THE STREET THEY'RE 6 FEET TALL"
In a toilet in Cookstown, Northern Ireland.
"Of all the people beneath the skies
the shit house wit I most despise
He comes in here to write his wit
While men with brains come here to shit"
Bathroom wall in Oregon State Employment office
Seen written above the dispensing slot on a condom machine; gas station, Vancouver, BC:
"INSERT BABY FOR REFUND."
"i love that girl with the little red shoess
she spend's my money and drink's my booze
she don't have a cherry but thats not a sin
cause she still has the box the cherry came in."
"BEER DRINKERS LAMENT:
I sit inside this dim lit stall,
and scribe these words upon the wall
For relief has come to me alas
cause I've expelled some noxious gas.
And the reason for this woeful wit,
Is I loaded up my pants with shit."
A dozen years ago this was on the wall of a tavern in Seattle called Blue Moon ... a friend came out of the lady's restroom laughing and told me that this was on the wall:
"Michael doesn't really need a woman, just a mirror with a hole in it"
At a playhouse theatre in Boston:
"Fix this toilet!"
The response: "We're actors, not plumbers."
The response to the response: "Then act like plumbers."
These were seen in men's room at Harvard Medical School, 1973-4:
"Jesus saves... and at today's prices, that's a miracle."
"Did you know that this porcelain instrument upon which you are sitting is really a very powerful telescope? Spread your legs and stick your head down between them. Look way down and over to the back. There! See it? Uranus!"
"Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once."
"TOLIET CAMERA IS FOR RESEARCH USE ONLY"
In a bathroom in the training facility for state troopers in south Raleigh.
"Here I sit, same as ever
Took a shit, pulled the lever
The toilet clogged, the water flowed
Look out world, its the motherload"
"We all lie in the guther, but some of us are looking at the stars!"
"Most live and learn but by the time most learn it is too late to live."
San Francisco City bus station 1964
I found this in the girls bathroom in the high school
area at Pettisville school in Ohio:
Response: "I hope not, You can't even spell it!
Seen above a urinal:
"Dont throw toothpicks in the urinal, crabs can pole-vault.
As seen on a hand dryer mens room in a local hardware store to the right of the instructions (step 1 shake off excess waterc..)
"Step 4, Wipe hands on pants"
Seen in the girls locker room at my old junior high:
"I was here, but now I'm gone, I left my name to turn you on."
"Edith Head gives good wardrobe"
Seen at the Arbor Inn in the Flats, Cleveland, Ohio Ê1973
Seen in an undisclosed portajohn, an arrow starting at door ("look here"), directing to arrow next wall then another arrow again directing to next wall. Finally ending next to toilet with this saying:
"You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle."
"The hands that pour your drinks are the same ones that wash the cigarette butts out of this urinal."
IT'S A WONDEROUS THING THE MAGNIFICENT TURD
TO DESCRIBE ITS BEAUTY THERE'S NARY A WORD
SOME MAY FLOAT WHILE OTHERS MAY SINK
BUT IF YA PLUCK THEM OUT THEY'RE ALL GOING TO STINK
LYNWOOD, IL POLICE DEPT LATRINE
"Judge Crater, call your office."
Bar in Cicero, Illinois 1926
"SHITHOUSE POETS WHEN YHEY DIE
SHOULD HAVE ERECTED WHERE THEY LIE
IN MEMORY OF THEIR CAUSTIC WIT
A MONUMENT OF SOLID SHIT"
no location specified
"fuck athens it's so gay
ill take a shit they make me pay
theres no jobs no where to be
so i hate athens it can lick my pee"
no location specified
When I attended the University of Minnesota in 1969 amd 1970, I lived at a dorm named Pioneer Hall. In one of the bathrooms someone had scrawled, "Why the sudden lack of Christ on Campus?" A few days later, I found out the answer as many students replied to the inquiry. Underneath the original question was written choices A,B, or C just like a multiple choice answer to a test question. Here are the choices:
A. He got pimped by the foreign service committee.
B. He got drafted and sent to Vietnam.
C, He fell victim to a Red Barn(local hamburger chain) Big Barney (a big hamburger).
(Of course the parentheses and there content were not there on the wall. I added those because I'm sure no one remembers the Red Barn Big Barney.)
Here's another one that somebody started at the dormitory and got responses. A fellow by the first name of Jack was a jock at the dorm. Originally someone scrawled, "Jack isn't getting any". This is what was written underneath the original probably by three different individuals:
Jack doesn't want any
Jack jacks off
"Looketh not here for the joke,
for thou shalt find it in thy hand."
found on porta potty at church festival in Union City, California.
"If you want to crap at ease
put both elbows on your knees
give a grunt,and give a squeeze
and out will come like rotten cheese."
Men's room at Old Sturbridge Village
in Sturbridge, Massachusetts
"Don't scream son, you'll wake ur mother."
found in the bathroom at the local food city in harlan, ky
"Flush HARD, it's a long way to Hanoi."
Men's room, Student Union Building, College of San Mateo, San Mateo, Calif., during the Viet Nam War era (Mid sixties).
From a San-I-Kan at The annual Estrella War Medeival Faire. Located directly above the Urinal pointing at the deodorizing cake.
"Norsemen - DO NOT EAT The large Pink Mint"
under which read
"Scotsman leave our sheep alone"
"smile, jesus loves you" sticker.
("loves" is crossed out and replaced with "fuckin' hates")
seen in a boys bathroom stall at camp sky-Y in arizona
"Humpty Dumpty was pushed"
King's Head Inn across from Old Dominion University
"Mexicans are proof that Indians fucked bears."
Somewhere on a bathroom wall in Texas
"Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men"
Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
"Beauty is only a light switch away."
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
"If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives."
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
"Remember, it's not "How high are you?"...
it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
"If pro is opposite of con,
then what is the opposite of progress?"
The House of Representatives,
Five beers or less"
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ
"You're too good for him."
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA.
"No wonder you always go home alone."
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
"A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it."
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
In the days of old
When knights were bold
And toilets were not yet invented
They went in the road
And dropped their load
And went away contended."
Harpeth Hall School, Tennessee, girls bathroom
This was written in a stall in the women's restroom at Webster University (in Missouri):
"All hail me, the monkey god." (This statement was accompanied by a crude and bizarre picture of a monkey's head.)
Underwritten: "The monkey god need not be in the girls' bathroom."
Underwritten: "Yeah, gods don't need to pee."
Underwritten: "Sure they do. What do you think rain is?"
"BILL BIXBY IS GOD."
Hunter College, New York, NY circa 1991
"ATTENTION HILLBILLIES - The Rock Candy In The Urinals Is Not For You."
Various Country Bars In the Suburbs West Of Cleveland
"Penis Erectus Non Compos Mentis = A Stiff Prick Has No Conscience."
Dunbar Hall, Kent State University. (A Men's Dorm)
"A Man's Ambitions Must Be Small, To Write His Name On A Shithouse Wall"
Ohio Turnpike Rest Stop
An updated version appeared years ago in the Men's room of what used to be Niki's Drive-in (El Camino Real, right near Hillcrest Boulevard, in the city of Millbrae, California), whose men's room was known as the legendary Niki's Shit House, which has been knocked down and a Burger King has been built on the site:
"A Man's Ambition Is Mighty Small, To Write His Name On A Shithouse Wall.
A Woman's Ambition Is Smaller Still, To Sell Her Twat For A Dollar Bill."
"I mite kill a fag"
Underneath is written:
"You "might" because you're stoopid"
Found in front of urinal on porta-potty at church festival in Union City, California, fall 2005:
"If thou shaketh it more than three times,
thou art playing with it."
"Here I sit, broken hearted
Tried to shit, but merely farted
Then I left, and took a chance
Tried to fart and shit my pants."
In the men's restroom in Hillman Library at the University of Pittsburgh.
"CONDOMS IN THIS MACHINE ARE FOR CIRCUMSCISED PERSONNEL ONLY"
On a a toilet wall in a bar in Cookstown, Northern Ireland.
On a woman's bathroom wall at Jimmy's Jigger across the street from Kansas Universtity Medical School, mid-60's.
"Cinderella married for money."
Found on the wall at the Denver Petroleum Club men's room.
"Profanity is merely a crutch for those ignorant bastards."
Seen in a urinal in Ireland:
"My wife has 2 cunts, and one of them is me."
"Stand close; the next fellow might have holes in his shoes."
In small letters on the stall door at Buzzys Truck Stop, Portsmouth, New Hampshire:
"beam me up scotty"
I saw this one in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. I don't remember the exact location...
"God is perfect, man is not.
Man made beer, God made pot!"
"Sorry, one to a customer only."
found in the ladies room of the main branch of the Philadelphia Library.
"When it's in hard
and it's in long
and it's in deep
then it's indecent"
On a bathroom wall in the
Liberty Diner, Stony Point, N.Y.
"You only rent the beer."
mens room blackboard, The Oasis, Menlo Park, CA
One of my friends saw this written in a porta-potty when they were working on his house in Tennessee:
"All turds longer than 6 inches must be lowered by hand"
"Help, the paranoids are after me"
seen in the restroom of a gay bar in Beaumont, Texas
"Please fill with art degrees"
Written on the toilet dispenser in Sligo institute of technology Ireland
"The halls of justice are IN THE HALLS!! Have your shit together WELL BEFORE you enter the courtroom"
NYC Criminal Court
In a tavern in Cincinnati:
"I would like to fuck the bar maid"
"She would rather you eat her"
written underneath that:
"I would eat her"
This was on a wall in a mens room at T/A Truck Stop on I 75 near Trenton, Michigan:
"Hoffa, Call your Mother."
someone else put under it:
"His mother died"
then another scrawled:
"My girlfriend asked me to kiss her where it stinks , so I brought her in here ."
somewhere in orange county California
" I have been fucking with a limp dick so long I can row a boat with a rope."
somewhere in orange county California
When I was in Quang Tri, Vietnam, in 1969, I found these words of wisdom on a commode wall:
"Generals sleep with the lights on"
Maybe you had to be there, but I still laugh whenever I recall it.
"If con is the opposite of pro, then is congress the opposite of
Above the urinal, Men's Room, HKAN Hookah Bar, Pittsburgh PA
"Good guys don't always wear white"
"Do good guys ever go nude?"
Men's Room, 3rd Floor Cathedral of
Learning, Pittsburgh PA
Found in a bar in Moriarity, New Mexico
"I wish these open lesions on my ass would heal.
I bet you will too in two weeks."
Constructon Site Vacouver Washington
"Here lies the bones of screwy Rick
Cursed at death with a corkscrew dick
Spent his life in a futile hunt
To find a girl with a corkscrew cunt
He found that girl, but now he is dead
The no account bitch had a left-hand thread."
In a bar long since closed in Greensburg, PA
In a restroom in Peterborough, Ontario:
"I LOVE GRILS
under it was printed:
"YOU MEAN GIRLS YOU STUPID BASTARD"
and under that was...
"WHAT ABOUT US GRILS?"
in a restroom in Millbrook, ONT:
written about a foot from the end of the toilet paper and then rerolled...
"help! I being held prisoner in a toilet paper factory!"
this is one i found at a rock concert on a condom machine:
"hmm? this gum tastes like rubber."
Saw this in a rest stop gas station, don't remember where:
On a condom machine that said "for condom insert coins here" someone wrote:
"For refund, insert baby here" pointing to change opening.
Written on the stall wall of a truck stop:
"Here I sit with a broken heart,
Took my pills and my truck won't start."
"Hans must wash employees."
men's room of a very humble American roadside diner somewhere in southeastern California, south of Bakersfield on the way to Joshua Tree NP
"SA toilet paper is like Clint Eastwood; Tough, rough and takes no shit."
Written above the toilet paper dispenser in the canteen restroom of Nylands brigade in Dragsvik, Finland.
(SA stands for Suomen armeija - the Finnish armed forces.)
"Stars Don't Shine"
response: "They Twinkle"
Diedrich's Cofee House,
Montrose, Houston TX Men's restroom
"Why are you looking here?"
response: "I'm looking for something witty."
Houston Community College,
"Napolean sat here and picked his Bonaparte"
supermarket mens room in Vernon, CT
"there once was a man named Mcsweeny
who one night spilled gin on his weeny
in an attempt to be be couth
he added vermouth
and asked his girlfriend to drink his martini"
found on a urinal wall on a florida construction site.
"If your hose is short
And your pressure weak,
Stand close to the hole --
Don't piss on the seat!"
found on the men's room wall at the Greyhound bus station in Eutaw, rural west Alabama, c. 1950
"Hot dog went to cornfield, won't be back."
the Dockside, Norfolk, Virginia
"Her i sate brocken harted came to shitt but onlly fearted."
written by some illiterate bastard at the Youngwood Hotel, Pa.
I was stationed on Guam during the Vietnam War. Guam was not considered choice duty and was referred to as "The Rock" The Bathroom wall at the U.S. Navy's Fleet Weather Central had the following little ditty:
"ONLY 26 DAYS LEFT ON THE ROCK"
Beneath that was written:
"HA HA ONLY 7 DAYS LEFT."
"I LEFT 3 DAYS AGO. THIS IS A RECORDING."
On the hand dryer in an unknown location:
"1. Press button" (by the button pressing pic)"
"2. Get bacon" (by the pic of the hand getting the heat)
30 years ago at Ohio University, saw this on a wall of a women's bathroom (and never forgot it!):
"War is Menstruation Envy"
In a Chartre St. bar in New Orleans above the urinal I found written the following quote:
"Hypocracy is the vaseline of political intercourse".
Found on a bathroom stall wall at J Sargeant Reynolds Community college near the computer center:
"Abort, Retry, Fail?"
Response: "What does that mean"
Response: "It's what this class makes you do!"
Response: "sad, isn't it!"
"Feck the Queen"
O'Connor's Irish Pub, 1989, the Flats, Cleveland, OH
"THE COWBOY IS, INDEED, LIVING PROOF THAT THE INDIANS FUCKED THE BUFFALO"
ABOUT 1975-GOLDEN SPUR CAFE STALL, AFTON WYOMING
"Every single living soul
Can take the Browns to the Super Bowl"
(Response:) "Then what the F*** is wrong w/the coach?"
Rest stop somewhere in Ohio.
"Don't throw toothpicks into the toilet, the crabs will use them to polevault out."
(Response:) "Through 4 inches of water? Pay attention in class!"
Girls restroom Fort Madison High School circa 1986
at my work office in el salvador
"sara is a lesbian"
response: "did you find out for yourself?"
response 2: "i'm so hot, i made her a lesbian, i should know"
women's bathroom, L.A.
"i fucked my girlfriend here twice"
response "i fuck her once a week here"
response 2: "everyone has fucked your girlfriend, trust me"
men's bathroom, L.A.
my boyfriend saw this in a bathroom in cancun
at a very fancy place in monterray mexico (women's bathroom):
a picture of kate moss glued under toilet seat:
"remember me everytime you eat fatty."
one in a unisex bathroom at a small artsy/ hippie bar/lounge in portland, oregon.
"indie girls like indie guys"
response: "indie guys are hot, duh"
response 2: "indie girls are flat chested"
response 3:"or they are very fat"
response 4: "what is indie anyway?"
"I love Jose!"
response: "too bad he loves me, not you"
school bathroom in el salvador
Response: "Jesus won't help you when you go to jail for vandalizing this wall"
Wal-Mart in Rockwood, TN
on paper holder:
"Jesus was black."
Reply: *black was marked out with a black marker*
"you wish NIGGER!"
Mens Bathroom in Lowes, New Bern, NC, USA
"Why switch dicks in the middle of a screw?
Vote for Nixon in '72."
Latrine stall wall,
Philmont Scout Reservation,
At our local Hookah bar:
"Hailey likes butt, pee and iced tea."
"Don't smell the flowers they are an evil drug to make you lose your mind."
Dillons beach ca. womens room
In the Men's room at a bar called the Copper Keg in Long Beach, Ca., circa 1980:
"Mag, Mag, you slimy slut
between your thighs green matter lies-
and worms crawl out of your butt.
Before I'd mount your bony frame
or suck your slimy tits- I'd rather drink stale drunkard's puke
and die of bubling zits."
Another standout from the Navy base in Long Beach, Ca. This was in a really rank porta-potti :
"I've sailed across the ocean blue and shit wherever they told me to.
I've roamed around this golden state and shit in places that weren't so great.
(I don't really want to brag but once I shit on a sleeping fag)
I've shit from the bridge in 'Frisco Bay but what I really truely want to say
is that I've shit in Rome and I've shit in France
but before I'd shit here I'd shit my pants."
Be sure to check out our friends at Bathroom Graffiti Project
Submit your favorite bathroom scrawlings.